


The Ballad of Schmooples

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-05-31 06:13:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6459028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An unlikely hero embarks on a mission that has very slim chances of success. Who is our hero and what is his mission? The title yields a valuable clue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> So after writing "Poor Schmooples" this idea cropped up. It's gone way out of hand.

# The Ballad of Schmooples

### Introduction

And so it is done. The archdemon has been defeated, Ferelden has a new king and everyone is about to part ways. Our hero will fondly remember the nights he spent snuggled up to his beloved Leliana, that wonderful, wonderful woman, but soon she will return to Orlais to do her good works for the Chantry. There won't be much spare time in her schedule for her dearest friend. Where does that leave him? It leaves him free to do his own duty. He will miss her and no doubt she will miss him too, but this must be done. He has already kissed her goodbye as she sleeps peacefully; had he been able to, he would have left her a note. Sadly, our hero can neither read nor write. Off he goes, to fulfil his destiny. _Goodbye, dearest Leliana. I will always love you._

Who might our hero be? His name is Schmooples and he is a nug on a mission.


	2. Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the search for allies begins.

### Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

During his travels through Ferelden, our unlikely protagonist has thought long and hard about allies he might gain for his task. Who better to start with than the mabari? That filthy dwarf-beast has always been bothering him about pulling a chariot or some such rot like that and Schmooples knows that his canine patience is wearing thin. "Hey, Maul, got a moment?" Nervously he fidgets before the powerful animal that could eat him up in one gulp if he were ever so inclined.

Maul opens one eye. "What's up, buttercup?" He lets out a loud yawn. "I've got a lot of relaxing to catch up on, you know, so keep it brief." An orange glow plays on his sleek fur as he stretches luxuriously. The rug in front of the fireplace is his favourite spot. The mabari couldn't be chased away from there with a hot poker.

"Uhm…" Schmooples thinks of small talk he might begin with, to gather some courage. "So how about the Wardens breaking up, huh? Isn't that sad?" The nug had never thought it possible for the pair to fall out the way they had. They were so attached to one another.

Maul scoffs. "Yeah, I guess it is, but they will get back together eventually." He scratches the back of his neck with his hind foot. "Mark my words: my so-called master can't live without his bitch and neither can that bitch without my so-called master." Irreverent as always. That which humans refer to as imprinting holds true for most mabari, but not for Maul. For all his opportunism, Maul might as well be human. The woman who had originally saved him hadn't made it into the Grey Wardens, so he latched on to the other two instead. There wasn't really anywhere else to go at the time. "But you haven't woken me up just to talk about this little tragedy, have you? Go on, get to the point; this relaxing isn't going to do itself."

"Yes, all right." The dog's attitude doesn't bode well; the crusade against the dwarves won't allow for a whole lot of relaxing. "It's a matter of some urgency." Schmooples explains his plans and is greeted with sneering barks.

"What's a harmless critter like you going to do against all those dwarves?" Maul shakes with laughter. "Are you going to squeak them to death?" He snorts loudly. "Oh, that is rich…"

_Humph_. "Sure, be that way. You'll see; I will raise an army and make a nation of vegetarians out of those foul runts!" They shall feed on turnips, roots and herbs, never to bother a nug again. It shall be glorious.

"All right." The dog shakes his head, still snickering under his breath. "Best of luck with that. Who knows, you might just pull it off." After circling his rug a few times – weird habit – he gets comfortable once more. "I wouldn't go with you, even if I thought it was a good idea." His tongue lolls out of his mouth as Maul begins panting happily. "The king has rounded me up a bunch of bitches to mate with." Now he's even drooling. "I am singlehandedly going to repopulate the royal kennels, how about that?" He closes his eyes, massive head resting on his paws. "Now shoo! I'm going to need my energy."

Sigh. That's a no for the dog then. Not a very encouraging start to his quest. Still, Schmooples knows better than to stand between a hound and his harem.


End file.
